please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
