Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
