forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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