What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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