how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
