i wish there were pregnant emoticons
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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