im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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