i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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