Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
