Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
