Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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