Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
