yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
