I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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