I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
