I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
