I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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