You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
