fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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