this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
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Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
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Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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