rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
