I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
