I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just blew my weed a kiss
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
