you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
