I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
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Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
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He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.