If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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