i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
you inspire me to be a worse person
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
