I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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