i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
