If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
