you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
