Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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