my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
