I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
