I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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