I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
