why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
