i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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