Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
