I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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