Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
