she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
