just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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