one might say we're banned from that church
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
