i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
