4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
