i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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