My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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