im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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