upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
