My first STD was from a foam party
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
