On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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