You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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