The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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