I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
